Why Men-and Women-Don't Ask

Sexpert · #1 (**permalink**) 03-20-2008, 10:41 PM

"Men are supposed to know everything about sex, so they feel foolish if they have to ask about what pleases their mate," says Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., assistant clinical professor of medical psychology at the University of California, San Francisco, School of Medicine. Just having to ask shows that they're not a macho superhero. Many men also would simply prefer to communicate non¬verbally, because they're not really comfortable verbalizing anything. They argue that talking about sex spoils the spontaneity.

Women, on the other hand, were brought up to believe that it's not "nice" to talk about sex, or even to act as if you're interested in it. ("Ifhe really loved me, he'd know what I want.") Sex becomes an ESP guessing game. It happens, says Dr. Barbach, that one partner will persist for years in some habit (like ear kissing) that he or she thinks turns the other on but that in fact causes only repulsion or irritation.

There are times when it really isn't necessary to talk to your lover about sex -like when things are going great. It's not unheard-of for couples to have a satisfYing, long-standing sexual relationship and never feel the need to say a word about it. But when one of you begins to feel used or unloved or unsatisfied, it's time to talk.

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